long time no update.

ho snap. this was written like three years ago, and i'm pretty certain that i have most likely erased some of the earlier stuff that was written on here. which is annoying because i love reading past diaries of me, gives me a glimpse into happier / sadder times. mind you the only times i ever write on a blog / write in my diary is because i'm fucked off with the world, or i've had some sort of epiphany.

today is definitely no different.

this time around it's an epiphany of sorts.

i can't control the world.

it seems like such a beautifully obvious statement, but for me, not having control is hard. i have always thought that i've been kind of easy going and laid back, but now that i think of it, i am most definitely a backseat driver. you know? the type of person who wants control because they hate the way the driver is driving. that's me. i always have to have control, and i always try to assert it in the most subtle way possible. i need to control everything, from the way people feel about who i am to my relationship with the manfriend to marks. perfect example of this - i want people to perceive me as carefree, confident, strong, secure and okay. when they see the cracks in my image i can't cope... i need to control their image of me so i can be okay. and if that means painting on a smile, and insiting that i'm okay when all i wanna do is fucking smash something... then i'll do it. another example, i wish i could control my bf but i can't, he's a human being. i can only control my perceptions, but my mind has a habit of running away with paranoia and befriending the worst scenarios possible.

i can control the little things, but the things i can control i take it to extremes. i study eight hours on end and hide myself in my room for hours so people can't see me stressing out under this facade of "i'm okay". but study has been one of the only things that i feel like i can control, so i take it to the extreme, to compensate for the things in my world i can't control. so, i need to remember, i'm a human being. i need time to breathe, to seperate myself from the books and not to define myself by marks and other people's perceptions of my intelligence. it's sad, but i feel like if i define myself by marks, i won't be as disappointed as defining myself by how i look, what i wear, or who i am. i know i can be a horrible person, i know i can be there for a friend whenever they need it as well... but marks, they're tangible... controllable. but i cannot let marks and percentages define who i am.

i know this. i know i can't base my world around trying to be perceived as "intelligent". i know that believing the foolish notion that to be successful in life you have to be pretty or be smart. it's something i have always been told, you have to be pretty to succeed. you have to be smart to make it somewhere. no one has room for a dummy, no one has room for someone ugly. gotta love influences, right? i know i can't do the pretty thing, but i can do the intelligence thing. but no, i realise now, to be successful in life you should be happy with your own life. that's success. and one day, i'll get there. one day i'll be able to say i'm happy with who i am, and i define myself by merit... not by percentages and a's. but, you know, saying shit like this on an internet blog is so much easier than putting it into action. who knows, maybe i'll go back to bad habits, the self loathing and the running away from my problems. all i do is run and avoid, it's so much better than dealing with it. but, whatever, life is life.

and this is just an incoherent ramblings for a teenager, stuck between childhood and adult responsibilities. but at the end of the day, all i want is happiness. pure, utter happiness. the joy of looking out at the world, and say you know what, i can do this.

one day i'll be able to be happy with who i am. one day i'll be okay again.