it's finally hit now.

this is one thing that only time and space can fix. and i don't think time or space is doing that. if anything it's just tearing us apart. ad i don't know how to deal with it. i know he was always just gonna be mister right now, but the thing is, the shit thing is is that i let myself get attached. and i didn't realise it until right now. at like eleven thirty (god i am a party animal woo!). i thought i was dealing okay with the breka, i thought that i had finally got the hang of seperating sex from emotion and seperating it all. but no.

no. fuck no.

i'm still that fourteen year old girl desperate to be loved, look for it in all the wrong places. i know i have the worst taste in guys, i know i generally go for the boys with the bad cars, the boys with the bad reps all because i think i can change them. or they can change me. and they change me alright. they fuck with my head, they fuck with my life. ex bf number 1 - i still have the scars and the bruises you gave my that night. and i will never forget you. and i will never get over you. and i will always flinch now when someone touches me and i'm not used to it! ex bf number 2 - i loved you for a while. and though it didn't last long, i hope that you and i end up together because honetly you are perfect. and i placed you so high up on that pedastool that i am afraid no one is gonna live up to you. and that hurts, so much. because, i want you so bad, i want your touch, i want you but i know i can't have you. i just, can't. current bf - i want us to work. your different, your not like the guys i go after. i thought you were good, but you just had swagger. and i must admit, i always fall for a guy with swag. low rider jeans, flipped up cap. you're smooth but your words cut like knives. you think you know me, you think you know what hurts me, but you don't. and i wish i could let you in, but i tried and you can't handle me. you move fast, i stay stuck in the moment. and like i said, you have swag and you like me cause i got something that you like. you found me physically attractive. and i liked your swag. but we're not going to work.

and i know i'm comparing right now. but, what the fuck am i supposed to do? how do i cope with this? it's so vague that it ain't even a break up but i want it to be over. i want to make us work, but like i said, he has swag and i'm the uncool girl who's a nervous fuck. we're not gonna be a love gives me hope story, and i'm sure as hell never gonna be that pretty little girl that he wants. he wants the old me, the me that everyoone gets to see. and i can't do that, if he wanted it shallow, should've said it at the start. but i like him. i do like him. for his swagger? yes. for his car? yes. but because he turned me on like none of the others, boyfriends and crushes, ever could. he was sexy. and fuck, i'm a physical being that's for fucking sure.

fuck. i want us to work.

but will it? god, he talks to her at work now. he looks at her, the way he used to look at me and she fucking flirts with him all the time. i see it in her eyes. and me? i'm okay. i'll always be okay. im second choice. always have been always will be. and he's no different.

ex boyfriend number two. i wish you still wanted me. cause i've been thinking about you a lot today.

i just want to get married and be in love already. i'm over this.